Inner You
by nathy.faithy
Summary: Grant Douglas Ward had been a lot of things. He had been a Hydra soldier, he had been Garrett's follower, he had been a SHIELD specialist. Although, he had never been the chance of simply being Grant. A child, a normal teenager, a man in love. And now he had been given a second chance. He was not going to waste it.
1. Darkness Within

_Disclaimer: I don't own Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D, Marvel or any of the characters or locations mentioned in this work of fanfiction._

_This is my idea on how Grant Ward's redemption arc could go.  
>I wanna thank my lovely friends Cap and Ves for giving me tips on this fic. Without their patience and knowledge, I surely wouldn't be posting this.<em>

_Can't wait to read your comments on this fic :)_

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><p><p>

_**"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.**_

_**Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."**_

_**Martin Luther King**_

He felt cold. Colder than he imagined he should be when he woke up. He didn't know where he was or how long he had been inside this place, but he was clearly utterly alone for sure as he craned his neck and opened his eyes. Darkness engulfed him. Ward blinked expecting his vision to adjust to the somber room. He stood up from the make shift bed, his bare feet touching the ice-cold floor. He was partly relieved because his left foot hurts - thank you very much May - and he embraced the uncomfortable feeling. It could be worse. He could still be bleeding out. He wasn't sure why they bothered fixing him at all.

He touched the wall behind him, expecting it to be smooth but found it was scratchy as a rock and slight wet. The air was humid and salty to his nostrils, as if he was next to the sea. He closed his eyes to acclimatize his ears to the noises surrounding him. It was a far way sound, but he would bet his soul that it was waves crashing down. The sea would pull and then release its wave. First in a calm way and as the minutes passed by the waves became stronger, as if the sea itself could feel his inner turmoil. It was futile to look for a window. It was too dark and the waves have transformed themselves into a storm. Heaven and ocean fighting for dominance, perhaps that was what Ward had become a storm.

After all, didn't he take away Skye's love, FitzSimmons dreams, Coulson's trust, May's loyalty?

A bolt lighting crossed the sky. He only knew that because the sound reverberated throughout the four walls of his confined cell. Ward paced back to the bed. He laid down rubbing his tired eyes. He felt like screaming in anger but even that had been taken away from him.

"Who are you without him?" Coulson's words practically mocked him.

The storm grew louder as he tried to remain warm. However, it was an impossible task since the cold didn't come solely from the room but from the confines of his soul. His mind questioned him again "Who are you?" and the truth was he had absolutely no idea.

"Who is Grant Douglas Ward?" His tiredness was getting to him, and as he finally succumbed to sleep, his dreams were filled within questions, his subconscious confusing and querying him.

"Were you an Agent of SHIELD? Standard? By the books? Were you the lost boy Garrett found in juvie and molded into a murderer? Or were you still that frightened boy, burning down the house to protect his siblings from his parents' and older brother's cruelty? Were you that man the team had seen, the one they blindly trusted? The one that would jump out of a plane to rescue a fellow teammate simply out of the goodness of his heart - do you even have one for that matter?

He jerked up awake; the room was clearer but not much. He wondered if it was already day outside or perhaps mid afternoon. His mind travelled to better times, he shouldn't find comfort in remembering those days. He was a traitor, a useless piece of nothing and the faster he buried those 'feelings' the better it would be.

He bit his lower lip, his elbow resting on his knee as his left hand found his hair and massaged it.

He wasn't going to think about her, or her scent, the way her eyes shone whenever she won in Battleship. Nor about her brown hair cascading on her shoulders, or the way she twisted her little nose when she laughed with abandon. No, he wouldn't let Skye enter his thoughts. She was too far too precious to be in them.

He heard footsteps approaching and quickly laid down again, waiting for whatever punishment they had in store for him. Ward wondered which kind of torture they would inflict on him. Coulson had mentioned inventing new ways to ruin the rest of his life. As if he cared for his life. When Garrett allowed Deathlock to nearly kill him, Ward had been certain that his mere presence was futile. All his life wasted on a man that felt absolutely nothing towards him, except loathing.

He couldn't comprehend why someone would care for him. Why Skye had felt anything for him? Gave him her love - was it love - so freely and openly to him? And Fitz for that matter and his blind trust that he was indeed a good man?

The iron door was opened in a crack revealing that it was still a misty day. Cold wind entered the room, making Ward shiver and sit with his back touching the chill wall behind him. He opened his eyes to acknowledge the two figures standing there, a tall, built man and a small woman; both in suits. His inner mind laughed but his face was as stoic as ever.

The man pulled him up harshly, but Ward didn't put up a fight. He didn't have any strength left for a tantrum. When they were finally out of the room, the woman right behind them, Ward noticed his surroundings. The sky was cloudy and the sea was again fighting a losing battle. He was proven correct as they walk. They were indeed by the shore. His room was more like a hideout that was connected to a bridge that they followed until the compound, and if he had to guess, they were taking him to another part of the fortress.

It didn't go unnoticed by him that there were cameras all over the place. Well, Coulson had to check the progress eventually, did he not?

The agent, who clearly had no care kindness, shoved Ward inside an empty and cold cell. Not that it made any difference to him. He was pretty fond of the pain. He wasn't alien to it, there were times that all he felt and desired was pain, to easily embrace it. But the more time he spent with the team, the more this unhealthy habit was cast aside, making him feel lost, walking on eggshells, almost terrified of what he experienced. It had started with the science twins, his first day on the job with the constant battling of wits, then with the abnormal sense of justice and care his CO had with each one of them. Later he got used to the quietness of the Calvary, but what really caught him by surprise was the hacker, the variable he was not counting on. She was like a burst of rainbows, smiles and happiness, and without really noticing his whole being gravitated towards her.

Skye had been the only thing he had done without Garrett's consent, and she had slowly but fiercely, become his greatest weakness.

The man helped him up from where he had fallen on his knees and pulled him into a chair. After some minutes, he restrained his hands and the interrogation began. He was expecting mental torture as Coulson had promised him, but this? This was child's play. Beatings? He was far too used to it.

The next couple of days were pretty much a repetition, except they would change the methods. If it was a morning they would use electroshocks, which he honestly didn't mind. Maynard had done that to him more times than he could count. On the afternoon, it was waterboarding. Seriously, he would have laughed if he wasn't so weary. How stupid could this two be? It wasn't like he could scream his vexation since his larynx was still healing, but if Coulson wanted to give him a mental breakdown, he sure wasn't trying hard enough.

He imagined that dunking was on evenings when the sun was almost down, and he admitted more to himself than anyone else, that it was certainly the worst. However, it wasn't unwanted. He most certainly deserved it. The torture was shoddier because it made Ward remember his little brother Isaac. How powerless he was under Maynard's influence, and how he should have thrown the rope earlier instead of listening to his brothers cries and whimpers. How he should had begged more to his older brother, even shown him his feebleness so Isaac wouldn't suffer, but no, he was too afraid to do that.

Ward wasn't sure how long it had been, but it was long enough so his larynx was almost healed. Although his voice was hoarse. It was back, which meant that without really meaning to in the next electroshock session he had, a guttural yell slipped from his lips.

He was reaching his breaking point. The only thing keeping him in the light, was to think that he deserved it. He deserved every bit of the pain they were inflicting on him, maybe that way some of his penitence for all the wrongs he had made towards his siblings, to FitzSimmons, to May, to Coulson and mostly Skye would started being paid.

Lately, Ward had revived a habit long gone, taught by his grandmother when he was only a boy. Since Garrett's death Ward had started praying for his soul, to a God he wasn't sure it existed. But he wished it did, so he could at least see the faces of the only people he had ever cared for. To have the chance to see Fitz's blue eyes, Simmons white teeth showing up in a smile, Skye's brown locks falling over her shoulders. He didn't care for May's or Trip's forgiveness, he might never deserve another chance from Coulson either, but those three?

He would walk through the gates of Hell for them, except, they didn't know that.


	2. Memories Will Cut You Deep

_Disclaimer: I don't own Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D, Marvel or any of the characters or locations mentioned in this work of fanfiction._

_Here's the second chapter! I hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing it._

__**Quick Summary:** Sometimes the truth cuts deeper than the memories. But then, when you reach the depths of your soul, and see what you are about to become, do you fight against it, or do you sink below?__

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><p><em><strong>"No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories." ― <strong>**Haruki Murakami**_

It had been seven days since she had last seen his face. A whole week that Skye had been sleeping and eating terribly. She missed FitzSimmons. Mostly Fitz and his constant babbling around the lab while working on some stupid device. Their engineer had finally woke up hours ago. He was still on bed rest and would be in observation for a while, but the Doctor had said that he would be fine. Perhaps, a little slow for a couple of weeks or months. Nevertheless, he would certainly have all of his memories.

Thank goodness for Trip. The guy was making sure they wouldn't exist like owls. Trust him to check if everyone ate, that his or her wounds were clean and in place. However, the truth was that Skye missed her SO. She felt betrayed, weak, stupid, but at the same time, she couldn't just turn her back at him. She wasn't sure if it was the helpless look he gave her. Although, there was something behind his dark chocolate eyes that broke her heart.

She had been working on a new integrated system to SHIELD, having access to all the data base in all their facilities no matter where it was located, which meant that she could easily access the surveillance video in Ward's cell.

He looked so small, as if the darkness was eating him up inside. Skye moved to other videos and what she saw next made her nauseous. Was he praying? Skye then ran out of her bunk entering the bathroom in a flash. She quickly emptied her stomach, bile tasting in her lips. That was too much, what were they thinking?

He could be a traitor, he could be a murderer, but he was still a person. Not a very reliable one, per se, but still a person with its faults and its fears. Therefore, in Skye's eyes that was unacceptable. Cruel and downright inhuman. She rinsed her mouth and with unshed tears behind her eyelashes, she entered her bunk again quickly deciding that a confrontation with Coulson right now wouldn't be a good idea. Therefore, she did the more secure approach and sent all the files directly to Coulson's computer mainframe, with it, a simple notice _"If this is how you intend to rebuilt SHIELD, I'm sorry D.C, but I want no part of it."_

Coulson had to admit that this last couple of months has been hell on earth. Ward's betrayal had hit them hard. Lately he had been rooming over the notes and journals Garrett left behind in the compound. It was mostly a combat journal containing detailed missions, the need or lack of supplies, orders he had drafted on paper to deliver to Ward, descriptions of what he did when those orders weren't followed. Garrett would write _'the boy'_, never Ward or Grant, and if not '_boy'_ or '_son_', it was another mean less word and just as cruel. It was a dense reading, and so far, it was making knots on his stomach. Coulson sips his already cold coffee and sighs in despair. '_Who was Grant Douglas Ward? Who was this lost boy?_' His inner thoughts were brought back as his computer beeped an alert. Why was Skye messaging him? Why those vigilance videos? What was in there?

The videos that flashed on his screen made him want to crawl out of his own skin. The message and the tone Skye used were enough it got him moving with phone calls and treats to whoever was in charge.

_"What do you mean you thought it was a good idea? What is the matter with you Mr. Guevara? He can barely speak!"_ Coulson was pacing angrily inside his office literally shouting on the cellphone. _"I don't want to hear another excuse. I want Agent Ward in a decent and safety environment where he can be treat. With therapists and any other medical assistance, he might need. I want it covered. And that's an order."_ He slammed the cellphone on the table, the sound louder than he had anticipated.

Coulson sighed loudly and asked for a team meeting. It was time for them to know the real Ward. As upon hearing everything May felt disgusted mostly towards Garrett and but also herself. Even if he was a traitor, robbing an abused victim's voice was too much even in Cavalry eyes. Trip looked like he had been punched over until Mars. Simmons suppressed her tears a hand over her month. Fitz kept shaking his head searching for Skye and Simmons eyes, tears streaming down his face. Skye swallowed hard and moved to Fitz side, silently hugging him. Which allowed herself to free her bottle-up tears. Simmons moved as well finding a way of embracing both of the most important people in her life.

They were battered and tired, but there was still hope. There was still hope.

One month since that day. He couldn't comprehend Director Coulson's actions, but he wasn't about to discuss it anyhow. His handler had entered his cell and took him out, telling him he had some serious guardian angel. He had just been transferred for one of the best facilities in New York and hopefully he would be there for a while, until someone said he was rehabilitated enough to go back to SHIELD.

The first person he met in this new environment was Ms. Badeaux, a beautiful black woman, with round amber eyes and curly ebony hair that with a warm smile happily introduced herself as his therapist. He couldn't quite believe it. So, this was Coulson ultimate evil plan? Wonderful.

The first session was pretty much a monologue, Ms. Badeaux, or rather Cécile, talked about the reasons that brought him to therapy. Enlisting his mistakes one by one. Ward spent the whole session studying her, the way she spoke, when she wrote on her notepad, when she watched him, how many times she tried to engage him into a conversation. He wanted to measure every bit of her. Almost an hour later Ms. Badeaux allowed him get back to his room; it was a new found form of liberty and he was itchy about it. What was he supposed to do now?

He found that the silence was just as desire as it was needed. He liked - which surprised him even more - that his room had large windows. He could see that in the back of the facility was a long yard, green grass and too many trees. There was too much light on his room right now, so he closed the window curtains and laid down. The pillow is extremely soft, just like the covers. All of this sentimentalism was getting on his nerves. He shoved all the bed supplies on the other side of room and laid on the floor. He didn't want any favors, not now, not ever. At least, that was he thought as he left exhaustion got the best of him.

He waked up in terror, his body was covered in sweat and he was shaking slightly, the name of his teammates falling from his lips. He got up, walked around the room and picked everything from the floor. The voice of his father ringing loudly and phantomlike in his ears "_What is your problem boy? Can't you do anything right? Put them into place. I don't wanna see a wrinkle on this sheets! Do I make myself clear?!"_. When the bed was finally made he laid down on it. This time he sought the little comfort the covers could give him. On the mornings, he did the same routine. He showered, dressed, brushed his teeth, ate breakfast and sat on the recreation area, reading one of the many books they had in there. It had caught his eye this morning and he vaguely remembered Skye and Fitz discussing over it. Maybe he should try it. He had found a spot in the window side letting the rays of the sun illuminate his reading. He could lose himself pretty easily as he read.

That was how Ms. Badeaux found him for their second session.


	3. Therapy Sessions

_A huge thank you for my wonderful beta CaptainSummerDay! She is just amazing!_

_I hope you all enjoy the chapter, sorry for the delay on updating, RL became a bit busy._

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_**"Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us." **_  
><em><strong>― David Richo<strong>_

"Hello Ward, could you please come with me?" He moved to leave the book but she quickly added. "You can take the book." He followed her quietly again, the weight of the book on his hand gave him something to think. He was interested in the story. As a child and a teenager, he wasn't allowed to read such things. _'Fantasies are __for fools'_ his older brother had told him once. He had always like them, just like his little brother Isaac had been fascinated with Spider Man and Captain America.

Before he realized, she was opening her door office again and it surprised him that he got so distracted with his memories. Cécile caught his attention as she motioned for him to sit down. This time she talked more than he expected her to. She talked about his family, how it was not his fault, how his younger siblings Isaac and Mackenzie didn't blame him for trying to survive in the battlefield that was his home. She told how his team wasn't simply a team, it was also a family and how he probably misses them more than he realizes. Ward clutched the wizard book a bit in his hands, pondering the fact that Dumbledore made him think a lot about Coulson. He also tuned down the soft voice of his therapist. He felt tired, angry, and mostly beaten inside. Was there any hope left for him?

The routine was the same as the last day, he left her office, nodding goodbye with his head, holding the book in his hands and going back to the recreation area. He could go outside and walk or he could try the gym too. He was free to do as he pleased and right now, he just wanted to finish his reading and move on to the next adventure of Harry and his friends. Impressively, he devours the next four books, finding more and more comparisons to his former team. He actually writes a list down while reading and for now, Simmons was certainly without a doubt Hermione. Fitz he was still trying to figure out but he thought he was a bit like Rony and more like Neville. McGonagall that was May for sure and Skye, he saw her as Harry, though he didn't know much about her past. He tried to find himself in one of the characters but for some reason he just couldn't. Well not really. He could see a bit of himself in Rony, a little of him in Snape. A lot of his quick thinking in Hermione and Harry. However, it was hard because he thought no one else could see that in him. In truth he was probably just imagining that any of these characters traits were shared by him. A phrase had stuck with him so far, one Dumbledore had told Harry _"It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." _This time, Ward thought to himself he was being given choices, not orders. If he didn't want to talk with Cécile, he didn't have too. Although, if he wanted to leave his past behind, he needed to take the first step. Even if he thought it was futile.

He laid down to sleep, thinking about Sirius words for Harry _"__But know this; the ones that love us never really leave us. And you can always find them in here__"_. He dreamt about happier days at his Grandmother's house. Playing hide and seek with his younger siblings. No parents around. No Maynard. It was simple and good. The dreamscape shifted. He was running again but it was not from Isaac or Mackie. This time he was in a forest and Maynard was hunting him down for sending Isaac's the rope and rescuing him. He ran faster, his brother's yells terrifying him.

Grant jerked awake, his own screams waking him up. With bile in his throat and tears staining his face he hastened to the bathroom the sheets tangled in his body. His hands were shaking as he lifted the toilet seat and braced against the toilet bowl for support as he spewed out all the contents in his stomach. The images were still playing in front of his eyes as he put the toilet sit down and flushed. He hated to feel this small, so unprotected, so weak, so pathetic. He was crying loudly on a bathroom floor, an infantile behavior. Grant knew this is not his own thoughts. These were the words of his parents and Garrett.

After what seemed like hours of angry sobbing, he got up. Washed his face and brushed his teeth, a weak attempt to feel cleaner. He walked back to his bed and knowing that he won't be able to sleep, started the fifth book of the Harry Potter saga. Impressively he fell asleep, the book laid over his face. The sun's rays woke him up. It had been a pleasant dream for once. He was with team at one of those many movies nights Skye insisted on having.

He showered, dressed and watched his reflection in the mirror for a long while. He found that it was slightly different from the man he was used to seeing for so many years. His eyes were tired, but brighter; he blinked and brushed his hair with his fingers. At times like this, he missed Skye entering the bathroom without a care at all to brush her teeth or Simmons yelling for him to come out already. Even Fitz called him _'princess'_ once because he was taking too long to fix up his hair. Fitz's nicknames, just like Skye's for him, were always endearing. For some reason he felt angry and sad that he longed so much for their company. It was unhealthy.

On the third session his therapist was late so he entered the already known office and wandered around. He took in the many pictures, books, CD's in a top shelf, sketchbooks, colored pencil and crayons with his trained eyes. Ward remembered how Isaac loved to draw and how he would usually draw himself, Mackie, Gramzy and Grant. Zac would always include a dog on the picture too, though it would hardly resemble a dog at all. Ward smiled to himself as an out of breath Cécile entered the room throwing French swearing in the air.

"Je suis dèsolè, Mr. Ward. My sister broke her arm while climbing on a tree. That child! One day she will give me white locks, I swear!" She smiled and sat down waiting for him to join her. Sensing that he wouldn't say a word, she questioned lightly.

"So, mind telling me why you were smiling a minute ago?" He stayed quiet still studying her shelves, so she tried again "Would you like to draw?"

"Not really." He answered in a low voice. She smiled reassuring him. He pondered the pros and cons of opening himself up to her and decided that he didn't really had much to lose. He got one of the dark pencils and played with it between his fingers before saying "Zac liked drawing."

"Your younger brother?" Her voice was soft as she asked him.

"Yeah." He affirmed pacing a bit, not intentionally ignoring her, but not acknowledging her either.

"So, did you colour a lot with him when you were together?" She asked nodding to the pencil in his hand, that he was twirling from finger to finger.

"He used to draw a lot when we were kids and when we spent time with Grandma." He hushed for a moment while she watched him, giving him as much space as she could.

"Maynard, he-" Ward swallowed the lump in his throat and bit his bottom lip. "He couldn't stand to see anyone happy. He would break Isaac's colored pencils or crayons and it was heart wrenching. But sometimes I rather he had ruined the kid's beloved things than beating him up or making me do it…" The pencil fell out of his hand and he bent down to pick it up.

"It's okay Ward. How about you tell me little things about Isaac?" Cécile asked narrowing her eyes at him, an understandable grin on her red-coloured lips.

He inhaled and exhaled. He closed his eyes for a moment and said. "He loved baked cookies, and strawberries. I taught him to ride his bike. He was good at it, you know? Almost a natural. It was a good life, until, everything just went completely wrong." He was now stood by the window. The colored pencil twirled in his left hand with precise movements. Almost like a weapon.

"It was a winter day. Isaac and I decided to play outside. We were living close to a forest that year, and I used to make up stories for him and Mackie. We would play Kings, Knights and Princesses, but Mackie was very sick that day, so I went out with him. When Maynard got back from school he went looking for us-". He stopped feeling the room starting to get smaller around him. There was a loud crack and the red pencil in his hand was broken. It was as if he was once again inside his house. Maynard screaming at him to get the heck out of the way. He feels hands on him, shoving him aside.

The panic surged through him. He fell on the floor, arms and hands protecting his face, tears streaming angrily from his eyes. A plea in his lips. Cécile was on his side seconds later; she knelt in front of him and said. "Ward, you're safe. Come on breathe. Your brother is not here. You're safe."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Ward breathed out, rocking his body trying to calm himself down, to subside the pain in his chest and slow his heavy breathing.

"I'm going to get you some water, keep breathing." When she returned he was hunched forward, holding his knees up strongly in a childlike manner, his breathing calmer.

"I'm very sorry ." He apologized again.

"It's fine Ward, you're safe and this is nothing out of the ordinary. Everything is fine." She gave him the glass of water and waited.

He stood up after drinking his water. He looked at the small woman in front of him. It was interesting how such a small person could make him feel safe. But then, Skye had made him feel like that as well, and she was just as tiny.

"Would you like to sit and talk a bit more?" Cécile questioned getting back to her own chair.

"Not today, can we finish for today?" Ward asked staring everywhere except his therapist. She nodded at him, but said. "Of course, you're free to go Ward."

"Thank you." He said locking his eyes to hers and before leaving the room, he added. "I'm sorry again."


	4. Enlightening

_Sorry for the long wait darlings! I wanna thank SassySnow1988 for being an amazing friend and beta-reading this chapter for me!_

_I hope you all enjoy it ;)_

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><p><em><strong>"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." <strong>_  
><em><strong>― Plato<strong>_

After what felt like a lifetime for him but were in fact only eight months of intense therapy, Ward was relocated. He had a small apartment five blocks away from the Avengers tower, secure enough that if needed it would serve as a safe house for anyone from SHIELD. He still had to visit his therapist at least once a week or month. It was up to him, as long as he kept making progress. SHIELD being, well, SHIELD, had left a tracking bracelet on him.

Throughout this time, he had discovered many things about himself. First, he had an aptitude for drawing. Second was that he preferred fantasy, suspense and adventure more to the books Garrett used to give him. It'd taken him an entire afternoon in a library to discover. The third was that he could deal with his past. He had even started talking with his siblings again. Ward actually had Isaac visit him twice in his apartment. They talked about everything and nothing, sipping beers and eating junk food. Mackenzie was a nurse and between being a parent and her job, they hadn't been able to see each other yet. They constantly chatted through something called facebook and smg. Skye would be so proud of him. On the other hand, she'd probably be besties with Mackenzie in mere seconds.

He had been doing things for himself as well. He decided to study again. Therefore, now when he wasn't doing his community service at the animal shelter or visiting some of the wings in the children hospitals with toys and his sketch book, ready to draw whatever animal, superhero or cartoon the children asked him for; he was busying himself with anatomical books. He wasn't sure if he would be a doctor but the idea appealed to him. Helping people made him feel good about himself – and a little voice in the corners of his mind said that knowing vocabulary that was a little more technical would make FitzSimmons babble so much easier to understand. Even though the idea of ever seeing the team again was foreign to him. It was weird though that like Mackenzie, Isaac had chosen a profession that helped others. Except the others being animals, his little brother was a veterinarian.

Today was one of the days he visited the children. He was in the local hospital holding a Captain America shield he'd made overnight, if he had to say so himself he would admit, albeit shyly, that the shield had come to life quite all right. He thought for a moment on what Coulson would think. If he doing this even for the happiness of sick children would stain the love that his old boss had for the real hero. He shook the thought away. He had another purpose today.

Ward had visited many children these last couple of months. Some were recovering from an accident they had, some had a long flu and had to be in observation, those were usually the small children. Then there were the cancer patients. It made parts of his heart ache that Ward didn't even know existed whenever he thought long and hard about these special children. He had learned some of the patients' names, this one little girl though; she was all sunshine and rainbows. Grant sometimes visualized her as a young Skye. Since the child had deep brown eyes and almond skin. Her hair was long gone, but she was always wearing a different colored hat. He made sure he bought a new one for her before visiting.

"Hey, Molly," said the Sister on the right side of her bed. He thought that was the reason he always visualized a young Skye when visiting this particular child. She was also an orphan. However, since he had money to spend, courtesy of the trust fund his parents had established for him long ago and his older brother's hush money, whom he both loathed, Ward started donating to Skye's former orphanage. He also had more than enough money from all the years working for SHIELD, but he preferred to keep that for emergencies and investments. He knew he visited Molly much more than he did the other children at the orphanage, but made time to visit them on weekends. They all had so much to teach him, it was impressive. All they really wanted was to be cherished and Ward needed to learn how to do it, and not to be afraid of it. It was a struggle at first, but after some time he had been more than receptive to the children's hugs and kisses.

"Look who is here!" the Sister finally added, pulling Ward from his contemplations.

"Ward?!" Molly's little voice called him. Her bright smile stretched across her face.

"Oh, you weren't supposed to figure it out," he said playfully, lowering the shield he had in front of his face to surprise her. "What gave me away?" he asked, smiling warmly at her.

"Everything?" the child answered, giggling, sitting up straighter in the bed as Ward walked towards her.

"Very funny." He sat on her other side. From behind the shield, he took out a small red beret.

"You brought me a gift?!" Molly's eyes were little pools of chocolate. When she was happy like she was now, her eyes shone.

"Well, this one is getting old already, don't you think so, Sister Marianne?" Ward said as he ruffled the beret on her head, the child smiled.

"You look nice with the Cap shield. Are you a hero when you aren't visiting us?" she asked innocently, taking off her old beret and putting on the new one. Ward smiled before answering her.

"I'm no hero, Mo, you are. No one fights a disease like yours as you do. I can't do it, neither can Sister Marianne, you are our hero. And soon you'll be just fine, I bet that you will." He kissed her forehead caringly as she threw her fragile arms around his neck, hugging him.

Unbeknownst to them, the real Steve Rogers had just opened the door to peek inside. Marianne saw him as he smiled. The 'hero' was holding a Captain America bear, clearly handmade. The Sister beamed at him as he put the bear in the chair near the door. After a second glance to the Captain-America-to-be and the child, Steve Rogers closed the door behind him very slowly. He left the hospital room smiling to himself.

It had been two weeks since the last time Ward visited Molly. He'd finally had the time to meet his siblings and nieces. He was nervous as a boy on a first date and stood strangely uncomfortable in front of the red wood door of his sister's house. Inside he could hear a mishmash of children's noises, his sibling's voice among others, probably his brother-in-law. He shifted his weight from one leg to the other as he knocked slowly. Waiting. It seemed that all he ever did since he left his team was wait.

"Grant!" Mackenzie beamed at him as she opened the door. "Come in. Kids, your uncle is here!" his sister called while he entered, closing the door behind himself, holding a shopping bag and standing awkwardly in the corridor.

"Uncle Grant!" A tiny brunette girl slammed her little body into him, hugging his legs enthusiastically. Without meaning to, Ward was completely caught off guard and the bag in his hand fell to the floor. He should worry about it but his focus was totally on the tiny human saying, "I missed you my whole life, Uncle Grantie!"

Ward looked down at her, puzzled. The girl was wearing a cream beret and her eyes were hazel green; the ex-specialist beamed at her, the warm feeling inside his chest making him feel like he'd combust any second.

"Hi, little one!" He picked her up and twirled her in the air for a moment before bringing her down for a hug and a kiss on her chubby cheeks. The child hugged him back, her little arms tight around his neck. He had his eyes closed for a second, as he heard another tiny voice say "Grant!" His eyes cracked open, searching the origin of the voice.

"I see you have met Logan, and this little trouble maker here is little miss Diana." His sister told him, as she balanced her younger child on her hip.

"Mack, love, is you brother…" asked a man coming up from the kitchen area.

"Hello!" said the man watching him. Ward had Logan in his arms, the child now engrossed with touching his face and hair, as if memorizing him.

"Hi," Ward answered, distractedly staring at his niece's face, her fascination getting the best of him as he playfully kissed the tip of her nose making the child giggle.

"Grant, this is Scott Williams, my husband. Scott, this is my big brother, Grant." Ward held his niece with one arm as shook his brother-in-law's hand.

Scott's smile was happy and friendly, he was about to ask Ward something when the door was loudly opened, and a distressed Isaac entered. Ward jumped at the sound, searching with his eyes any possible threats.

"I'm sorry! I am so very sorry! I was stuck at work and this cat-" He suddenly stopped and yelled "Grant!"

"Zac?" Ward voiced, rolling his eyes. His whole body had tense with the sudden movements. He hoped he wasn't holding Logan too tight. However, when he looked at her she was smiling.

"You idiot!" Mackenzie exclaimed, fondness in her voice.

"Sorry?" Isaac whispered back, shrugging his shoulders and grimacing. He was an idiot indeed. He was more than aware that Ward was still going through the motions and some of the silliest things could set him off a bit.

Ward blinked. His heart was beating fast as his eyes focused on his brother properly, relief mirrored in his eyes. He shouldn't feel surprised, Isaac had always been the mischievous one in the family. His brother's blue eyes found his and a huge smile was in place.

"Hey, Uncle Zac! Uncle Grantie is my favorite now!" affirmed Logan from Ward's arms. Zac put his hand over his chest and theatrically said, "How come you've stolen her from me already, Grant?"

"I-" Ward tried to say, but Logan kissed his cheek and rested her head on his shoulder.

"Dinner is ready." Mackenzie proclaimed, walking back to the kitchen, her younger daughter comfortably balanced on her hip. Zac patted his brother's arm and ruffled his niece's beret lightly making her smile.

The dinner had been fun; they talked and enjoyed the food. Made other plans. When Diana, that was now sitting on Grant's lap started to doze, Mackenzie called it a night. Zac hugged his sister, patted Scott's shoulder and kissed Logan's forehead. He walked until he reached Ward and squeezed his shoulder as a goodbye. Ward was too surprised to say anything. Before he left, Zac caressed Diana's face lovingly. Scott moved with Logan in his arms, she too was almost asleep and Mackenzie looked at Ward, waiting for her brother.

"Grant?" she called, sensing her brother's distraction.

"Oh, sorry." He snapped to attention, searching for her eyes. "Can I put her into bed?" he asked in a whispered tone.

"Come on, you giant. Let's take her to bed," Mackenzie said. Ward got up and walked in front of her, Mackenzie laid her hand on his shoulder, a comfortable silence lingering between them.

They climbed the stairs in silence, only their breaths and their steps causing a disturbance in the air. When they reached the top steps, they walked the long corridor entering the children's room. Ward tucked Diana gently on the bed, taking her shoes off and covering her up. He kissed her forehead, while his sister watched him from the threshold of the door, Logan already tucked in bed as well.

"Thank you," Ward whispered.

"No Grant, thank you." Ward shook his head slightly confused. "For facing whatever you had to face and coming back to us." Mackenzie embraced him, her face buried in his chest. It took him a second to envelop her in his arms and for him to then rest his chin over her head and say, "I missed you too, Mackie."


	5. Absence

_I wanna thank my darling friend Snow for beta-reading this chapter. *you're a life savior, my love*_  
><em>Thank you Amy for proof reading it as well. *you rock*<em>

_Hope you all enjoy this chapter! Kisses ;)_

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><p><em><strong>"But now, I know, how absence can be present, like a damaged nerve, like a dark bird." ― Audrey Niffenegger<strong>_

One year. That was how long Ward hadn't seen his previous team, well, if you didn't count the therapy time nor the time he was being tortured into submission – as if Grant Douglas Ward needed any more torturing – that was it.

By his count, it had been one year, two hundred and two days, thirteen hours and fifteen seconds since he had laid eyes on Skye. He also knew how long he went without knowing anything, any sort of information, about FitzSimmons. In a way, it was both a blessing and a curse. Because to be completely honest with himself Ward was terrified of seeing them.

Cécile had mentioned that it was normal to fear his colleague's reactions, it meant he cared deeply for them. But it was as well a step he needed to overcome.

It was a rainy day, right after he had finished brewing his coffee when the telephone rang sonorously throughout the whole apartment; it surprised him, because the only two people that would actually use that particular line were his therapist and his former CO, now Director, Coulson.

Putting his book aside – God forbid Skye or Jemma ever figured out he cried while reading _'If I Stay'_ – Ward walked toward the telephone unhooked it and said a simple, "Hello?"

"Ward, meet us on the roof in fifteen minutes?" May's voice was fierce and curious.

Astonished by the call, all Ward managed to say was, "Yes." Then the call disconnected.

Quickly, as he had always been, Ward took t-shirts, button-downs, pants, underwear, socks, shoes, toiletries, the book he was currently reading plus two other novels, three photographs and his notebook then shoved everything inside a backpack. The notebook was new, an idea of his therapist's, she advised him to write down his thoughts whenever they got too loud or he couldn't voice them.

_If only he had tried that when he was younger._

Ten minutes later, he was ready. He took a long look at the place he had started considering as home and left, closing the door behind him. Ward climbed the stairs the backpack hanging on his shoulder, his black leather jacket hanging open over a V-neck white shirt, a golden chain – his sibling's birthday present for him – hidden underneath the collar.

He sighed once as he opened the emergency exit to the rooftop. Once again his life was about to change. He studied his surroundings and the first thing he noticed was that the Bus looked intact – _well, it should don't you think?_ His conscience asked him. Then the cargo ramp was being lowered as he stood there waiting.

He could – No. He _should_ have refused them. But the truth was that he needed to fight his demons, and until he confronted each and every one of them he would live with the nightmares and countless sleepless nights.

"Ward," called Coulson, sounding surprised to see him. Well perhaps he should, Ward had taken to sporting a beard nowadays, and after a while his eating habits had gone back to normal, so all in all he looked a new man altogether.

"Agent May seemed urgent on the telephone," he replied, afraid that if he asked 'How have you been?' the Director would laugh in his face.

"Come aboard, we can talk better there." Ward nodded, and once again stepped into the cargo bay.

Coulson waited until he was close enough to him to touch his shoulder, and for a fraction of a second Ward almost flinched at his touch.

"How have you been, Grant?" Coulson questioned lightly.

"Better. It hasn't been easy," he told Coulson, his hoarse voice betraying him in an unwanted display of emotion.

"We have a problem and I think you might be the only person capable of helping us." As they walked up the stairs that would take them to the second floor of the Bus, Ward stole a quick glance at the lab, finding it empty.

"Director, mind if I ask-" Coulson grinned and knowingly responded before Ward could even conclude his question.

"FitzSimmons are perfectly fine, but like I said we ran into this situation, which means they are either still helping Skye just as much as Trip and Hunter are, or they finally passed out."

Ward nodded, following him to the control room. Skye was standing in front of so many screens, filled with immense amounts of codes, ciphers, numbers and the whole shebang. A man he didn't recognize – a little voice inside his mind murmured this must be Hunter – stood at Trip's side discussing something over a tablet while FitzSimmons had indeed fallen asleep pretty much on top of each other on the armchair.

"I have never felt more stupid than I do right now," Skye murmured as she ran her fingers through her now shorter hair.

"What's up, love? Nothing yet?" Hunter questioned, taking his eyes from whatever he and Trip had been working on to regard the frustrated younger hacker.

"Anything Skye?" Coulson asked louder than he actually meant to, if his frown was anything to go by. FitzSimmons stirred in their sleep as Skye sighed dramatically.

"Look, it's not like I haven't been trying, all right?!" She exploded with herself.

"I know. That's why I went for help," Coulson announced while Ward stood awkwardly at his side; if his heart could beat any faster, Ward would bet he would have a heart attack.

Skye seemed not to have heard Coulson at all as she continued, "Maybe it's the whole not being a psycho thing. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish Garrett was alive so I could kill him again – after he helped with this ridiculous code – but yeah. I would love to let him rot for all eternity inside a well with rats as his companions-"

"Skye…" Trip called, gently searching Ward's eyes to see if he felt any different but he had a small grin on his lips and seemed mesmerized by her talking.

"It would be so damn satisfying, you know?!" Skye finally turned to see her boss and nearly passed out by Ward's statement, "There are days I wished I had never met him as well. Days I wished I had different parents. But then, we cannot change our past. We can only move forward. To the future."

"Ward," Skye called in a whisper, too astonished to say otherwise.

"Ward will be working with us in this case. Hopefully he might shed some light on this insane code," Coulson informed them as he left the room.

The air was heavy enough to be cut with a knife.

"I'm aware that anything I say won't be enough to excuse me from all of the things I did in the past. And I'm not trying to. But since we are going to have to work together on this, I would like to say that I'm sorry. And that I'll probably be working the rest of my life to atone for my mistakes." Ward decided to speak before someone left the room in a blink of an eye, his voice was rough due to the sea of emotions running through his body.

Skye nodded, dismissing him without a word as she turned back to the screen in front of her. Ward knew that the faster he cracked this code the faster he could go back to his life, away from them, away from all the disappointment, fear and pity he saw in their eyes.

"I'm Lance Hunter. Pleasure to make your acquaintance." As Ward had predicted the brown-haired man was indeed Hunter; he extended his hand to Ward who gladly shook it. But Hunter's grip and the unspoken words behind the cynical smile told Ward everything he had to know about the man. As Ward once had, now he and Trip protected this team. It was hard not to be jealous, but he knew he had no right to feel like that either. It was going to be a long night.

When Hunter stepped out of the way, Trip took him by surprise as he enveloped Ward in a tight embrace. In a quiet voice Trip said he was sorry for everything Ward had to go through for the last thirty years and told him to just give her some time. As Trip let him go, Ward felt his eyes sting with unshed tears.

"Give me that, I'll take it to the vacant bunk," Trip said, taking Ward's backpack from his hand and tapping his shoulder happily, a warm smile plastered on his face.

"Do us a favor and wake the science babies, will ya?" Trip asked, and Skye chose that moment to turn and look at them. Ward finally took a good look at her.

Bangs. Black clothes. Tiredness written all over her face.

"Sure, no problem," Ward answered.

"Thanks man. I'm beat," Trip said as he and Hunter left the control room, already engaged in some sort of discussion.

"Do you mind, or do you prefer to wake them yourself? I don't feel like this is such a good idea." Ward asked Skye, after all, it was her territory.

"No - It's fine. Go ahead. Fitz would love to see ya," she answered, rubbing her eyes with her thumbs.

"Fitz." Ward gently shook the engineer's shoulder as he continued, "Why don't you and Simmons go get comfortable in your own beds? This can't be good for your backs." Oh wonderful. Now he sounded like his sister Mackenzie, always the nurse.

"No, Ward. Go away. I'm comfortable here," Fitz murmured, still very much asleep. After no longer than a few seconds, he jerked awake, Ward name on his lips.

Fitz got up so quickly Simmons almost hit the floor, he was frantic but he turned to look at her, and when she simply moved to a more comfortable position on the armchair, he exclaimed, shaking her shoulder gently, "Jem, Jem, Jem. Jemma!"

"Ugh Fitz, what is it?" Simmons opened one eye to look at him, displeased but still sweetly at him. Ward watched the interaction with growing amazement.

"It's Ward. He is here," Fitz said, pointing at Ward.

"Not this again. You said the same thing when we were out to dinner one night at that pizza place. Let me bloody sleep, Leo."

"He really took her to a pizza place?" Ward questioned in a whisper to Skye who had been draw to their little banter.

"'Cause he was! Love, come on, get up!" Fitz pulled her to her feet and Simmons rested her head on his shoulder, hugging him and kissing his neck.

"I know. Can you actually believe that? It was all very cute and romantic according to Jemma," Skye said, a lopsided grin on her face. For a moment, it was as if he had never left, hurt them or betrayed them, for a moment he was 'Agent Grant Ward' again.

"It suits them. There's no need for a fancy place or big impressions, they have known each other for so long the relationship is just another plus," Ward commented, as he turned to Skye, the smile had long been lost, she looked haggard as she stared at the screens.

Fitz followed Ward's gaze and sighed, his arms around Simmons who suddenly arched her neck, her brown eyes landing on Ward.

"Ward?" Simmons called; he looked at her and nodded, feeling incredibly numb all of sudden as Simmons eyed him knowingly. He moved to stand at Skye's side and in a quiet voice asked, "Can you clear all the screens and give me just the code?"

"Yeah, sure." Behind them, FitzSimmons moved until they were by their side.

"This is why you are here?" Fitz questioned. "Not us?" The engineer accused him, sadness in his voice.

"Yes. This is the reason I'm here." Ward answered, gesturing to the screen in front of him.

"How can you be so cold?" The engineer's voice was low, as if he couldn't believe the specialist's act.

Ward closed his eyes and inhaled. He needed to keep his cool. He couldn't and he wouldn't breakdown right in front of them in less than an hour. He could do this. He could pretend Fitz's voice and accusations didn't twist that invisible knife tugging in his chest.


	6. The A Team

_Thank you, for the lovely ldjkitten74 for proof reading this chapter and being amazing!_

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><p><em><strong>"It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends." – J. K. Rowling<strong>_

"Ward, I asked you a question." Fitz accused, standing at his side.

"Fitz, I don't have any words for you except that I don't belong here. Not anymore." Ward spoke, his tone collected as he turned to meet Fitz's eyes.

"Of course you bloody do!" The engineer exclaimed, trouble darkening his features. Ward sighed; there was no way he could pass this. Fitz needed him to clear the air. He needed Ward to voiced his inner struggles, admit his fears and to really bury the past. It was one thing to bury Garrett and another to bury his own feelings over everything he had done against the team, which he still considered as his.

"We are going to do this, aren't we? Okay. To be honest Fitz, I don't think you need me, nor Skye or Simmons. The three of you can hold your ground pretty well. I am trying to let go of whom I was. All I ever did was kill people. People like me that made the wrong choice or that were lead by a situation to accept a new kind of hell over the one they had been constantly living." Ward said, noticing Simmons' eyes glimmering with unshed tears behind Fitz.

"You are not the only one who discovered things, Ward. I read your file, Skye made sure you were out of that hellhole, and Simmons contacted the best therapists inside SHIELD so you could heal. So you could figure out it was not your fault." Fitz's voice broke, as he fought against his tears.

"Fitz-"

"You don't get to say who I can and can't forgive. You are our friend. And I forgave you a long time ago."

"We both did, Ward. You did the only thing you could in a terrible situation to save us." Simmons added, smiling sheepishly at him.

"We can only move forward, Grant. You said yourself." Skye said, touching Ward's elbow.

"And that's precisely what I am doing, Skye. My family needs me, I have nieces that smile upon seeing me, I have siblings I can call and talk about anything without worrying if someone will take them from me. For once, I don't need to look back over my own shoulder, and that's fine, it's healthy. I have a life away from all of this." Ward motioned around the room.

Skye nodded, her hand falling slowly from where she was touching him a few minutes ago. Without another word, she turned towards her computer screen again, her eyes running over the maze of numbers. The series of 0 and 1 looked like it was mocking her but after spending so many hours over it she felt burned out. Fitzsimmons even had brought up some advance quantum mechanics book around, something the hacker swore never to look at again.

"I know this." Ward spoke confidently.

"Finally. We have been searching for -" Fitz started simply to have Simmons finish his train of thought, "Quite a while; we even went to search some of the equations in quantum mechanics."

"Oh, no, you didn't." Ward said smirking at them, before adding. "That's a code I came up with when I started at the Academy. Garrett wanted to keep me sharp and he gave me, as an 'inside job' to create a program code that would be impossible for others besides me or him to decipher it. Think of piece of paper with a bunch of gibberish words written in it. When you look at it it makes no sense, but when you put a mirror in front of it, for example, the words turn readable. It's basically a childish game, we just used a-" Ward continued the explanation as Skye chimed in and said, "Mirroring program, there's a code inside the code!" Ward nodded arching an eyebrow at her.

"Yes, precisely Skye." The hacker slash agent moved to the side, freeing the computer so Ward could see the file better.

"I cannot believe we didn't thought about it." Fitz murmured incredulously. "What about now? Can you figure it out?"

"Give me a moment; I need to remember each of the words and the location of them on the book." It surprised Skye for a second that he knew precisely what he was doing.

"Matterhorn?" Skye questioned, Ward glanced at her and assented, she pushed him gently aside from the keyboard. Just as quickly, she downloaded the book and displayed it on the computer screen.

Fitz walked towards Skye's side while Simmons glued her feet on Ward's side. Their eyes scanned the document as much as Skye's and Ward's, after the later had explained as best as he could the mechanisms to decode the file. It took them less than an hour to complete it and now in front of their eyes it was a load of coordinates, files and passwords to access the location as soon as they arrived there.

"Seriously?" Skye arched an eyebrow in mock seriousness.

"Don't even mention it, Skye. I'm going to bed after this one. All this brain and for what, really?" Simmons complained more to herself than anybody else.

"I'll tag along with her. You two go on to tell May that she needs to change the coordinates or talk to Coulson, whatever." Fitz said squeezing Ward's shoulder and as he passed by Skye he gently kissed her cheek. The hacker simply answered with a, "Goodnight Fitz. Night Simmons!"

"Night Skye and Ward." Simmons said yawning, already out of the door.

"I'll talk to May, you should rest. It's been a long exhausting hour." Skye addressed Ward, picking the tablet with the decrypted message.

"Goodnight Skye." Ward muttered at her.

"Night, Grant." The hacker answered in a small voice.

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><p>Ward jerked awake, his body soaked in sweat. It's not a first per se, but it has been a long time since he had any nightmares. The lull of the Bus is foreign to him after so long apart, but after some deep breaths, the sound calmed him. He threw the covers away from his body and sat on the bed waiting for his breathing to return to normal as he combed his hair with his fingers. Ward sighed knowing that the best thing he could do right now was venture to the kitchenette and drink some water. The ex-specialist didn't bother to wear any shoes, simply walking barefoot through the Bus corridors; as soon as he left his room Ward was enraptured by a sweet smell, it was a mix of different flavours such as chocolate, vanilla and cinnamon too.<p>

It was no surprise then to find the kitchenette light on talking coming off in soft tones. Skye and Trip were sipping drinks from large mugs while they chitchatted over something trivial. Ward suddenly recalled a similar scene from his time with Skye his rookie had been adamantly asking him to drink one of her treats.

_"Come on, my dear SO, live a little! Drink something that is actually tasteful, not that awful vegetable juice thingy you made me drink every single day before practice. Take a leap of faith and sip my special hot chocolate already!" He looked at her and the drink, Skye had added marshmallows to it._

_"It's just that you and domestic don't actually combine, you know?"_

_"Ward, I have a lot of layers just like you, now, please?" To make the pleading worse Skye added a pout and Ward was a goner. He sipped the drink slowly surprised when he felt the taste in his tongue, it was pleasant and it warmed him faster than a hot shower._

_"Well Rookie, looks like I can let you alone in the kitchen from time to time." He smiled and winked at her, delighted that such a small treat could mean so much to her._

_"Thanks SO, you're the best." Skye kissed his cheek, her lips also warmed by the drink._

Trip's voice brought him back, "Get some decent sleep now, baby girl. You have certainly earned it."

"Sure Trip. I'll just finish my mug, thanks for the company." Ward watched Trip disposed his mug on the sink as he added, "You know the whole team is a goner for that special hot chocolate of yours."

"Yeah…" Skye answered smiling tiredly.

Ward saw her close her eyes as she gently caressed the mug with her index finger, lost in thought. He wondered if she felt him or if his shadow alerted her of his presence because she opened her eyes and stared right at him.

"Ward." Skye's voice was surprisingly low.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you or anything, I just really need drink." He answered quickly, going to the fridge.

"Nightmares?" She assumed getting up from the stool and grabbing another mug. He watched her curiously.

Without an answer, Skye asked sweetly, "Marshmallows or no?"

Ward closed the fridge, water bottle on his left hand and glanced at her, Skye was holding the marshmallow package with one hand, while she softly mixed the contents inside the mug.

"Please, I would love that. And yes, nightmares. I don't usually have them anymore but when I do..." He trailed off not sure why he was opening up to her.

"They keep you up all night. Yeah, same here. Warm drinks tend to help." Skye extended the drink and he took it sipping it slowly, his eyes closing at the contact. It was as sweet as he recalled. And as if they were thrown back time Ward questioned his voice full of affection, "What are your nightmares about?"


End file.
